“Julie, what IB classes are you taking?” she asked. “Maths and sciences?”
At this, I couldn’t answer. Maybe it was because I was still deciding- but no, that was an excuse- it was because I was confused.
Stuck in between bunch of people claiming IBH Math and Sciences are the best shortcut to “prestigious” universities and myself still passionate of learning in the department of liberal arts and uncertain of where to go, IB course selection procedure was literally like hell. Chemistry , Film, Biology, Psychology- the mixture of interest all over these different subjects made it even more worse.
Soon after, driven by my lifetime goal- go to Africa and dedicate myself in helping the suffering people there- I thought maybe studying medicine is the fastest way to get there.
And with much hesitation and uncertainty, I chose my 3 H IBH subjects:
Math, Chemistry, and Biology.
Something was not right.
But I pretended as if everything was right until I was finally tired and sick of lingering worries and concerns.
Then I was stuck between guilt and passion.
Guilt #1:
Did I choose those subjects because they’ll look good on my transcript? (At this stage I was doubting myself if my “Africa” dream was just an illusion that I unconsciously created to avoid the answer yes to this question. I almost hated myself.)
Guilt #2:
If I choose film class and decide to study that instead of medical science, would I become an ignorant person, dismissing all those people I wanted to share all these overflowing benefits I got already as a teenager?
Guilt #3:
Was I capable of taking such challenge from the first place? Who was I to say that I wanted to help those people anyways? Was this mere arrogance or what? (At this stage, I really hated myself.)
Guilt #4:
Are these thoughs all excuses to free myself? (At this stage, I started to really really really hate myself).
Weeks and weeks of guilt, and self-torture passed.
It would’ve been easier if I ignored all those questions from my mind and continued on with those subjects.
But what I couldn’t ignore was myself always being naturally drawn to “Film”. Camera. Cut-pro software. Lights. The class. The thoughs. The writings. The imaginations. The plans. All the things I conjure up.
Little voice I heard: What do you want, Julie?
Cannot live without a dream
I had to admit.
I had to take film class.
Not because I failed at other subjects and had nothing to do,
Not because I think it is an easy A class, (and it is NOT,)
But because I like it. Because I love it.
Because if I were to commit myself for something for 2 years of precious high school life, I would love it to be film.
I wasn’t going to make myself unhappy straight for two years, forever regretting that I had ignored my passion.
New thought:
I myself have to be happy person if I truly wanted to share all the things I get with those people out there, crying somewhere- who was I to say “I want to help!” when I make choices that makes me unhappy from the first place?
Now, I don’t even believe that maths and science instead of “arts” gets you to the good college because it’s pretty much paradoxical anyways. Maybe if someone took arts as some kind of “exit” subject, to run away from “challenging subject”.
But who dares to think film is an easy subject?
What kind of good college ignores students’ true passion?
Is memorizing already existing equations so much harder than creation?
Thinking that,
I started laughing at all the existing, false thoughts that tortured me.
What could be more true than my own passionate, real choice?
What could be more challenging than chasing my own dream?
What could be more worthy than hanging onto that dream and find a way of sharing it?
Thinking about it, I was embarrased at the fact that I thought film was a long way around to reach my lifetime “Africa” goal.
Overcomming IB decision making process like this actually strengthened me, enabling me to jump over derailing and pressuring factors.
If “Africa” goal is my dream, then I follow my dream.
What else?
There are people still questioning me of my choice with a quizzical look.
It still frustrates me, how people think good college is everything that a High School student can be chasing after- and every other million reasons I can give them.
But I don’t need too much words to explain why I chose film class now.
After that, it was pretty simple.
“Hello Mr. Trotter!” said Julie. “I’m here to make changes in my IBH course selection…. I need Film in there.”